Thursday, August 30, 2007

Here we go

I've discovered that grief is a sneaky thing. Regardless of all your mixed feelings, and in spite of your being just fine for the longest time, and even if you're totally unaware that it's waiting below the surface, it's perfectly capable of knocking you on your ass at any moment. I don't think there's any experience that quite compares to long-term placement foster parenting. There's nothing quite like counting down the days and hours to the exact time at which you will lose your baby. And she is our baby. You don't parent a kid as amazing as her for a year and not wind up with her being your baby- naysayers can stuff it. I don't know what else to say about it right now. This is only a two day visit. Next week Sweets will be gone permanently. Probably. And isn't that the kicker- the little possibility in the back of your head that she might come back- a voice that is so hard to stomp out. That's it, I guess- I feel sad today.


Beth said...

I know it's no comfort, but I'm so sorry you are going through this. It hurts like hell and there's no way around it.

My partner and I helped reunify our foster son with his mom on June 1st, after fostering him from 5 months old to 13 months old. He was/is our baby, just as he was/is her baby - these things aren't mutually exclusive.

The slowly-lengthening visits and the packing in preparation for the return were awful - so much anticipatory grief, yet trying to enjoy our last days together, all the while having to do things we didn't really want to do.

By the time the final drop-off came, we were so emotionally drained that we just did it, cried, and went out to dinner. Which sounds a little cold, but we couldn't face going home to an empty house.

Not that it was over then, of course, it's a grief like no other I've ever had.

Blessings on you and your partner. Love each other well. It's the only way to get through it.

FosterMommy said...

Yep, yep and yep.
For half the time we had Niblet, we thought it was going towards TPR and adoption. She was "our baby" from the first moment. Once dad got in the picture, we worked toward the reunification as best we could, but we sure we heartbroken. It sucks. It breaks your heart. All you can hope is that their little hearts aren't also broken.

We still see Niblet every couple of weeks and, nearly a year after she left foster care, not a visit goes by that fostermama and I don't wonder/wish/wax poetic about what it would be like to still have her.

We would take her back in a hot second.
It's all so f'ing complicated.

But, yep, the grief is there and will grab you when you least expect it. for a while to come. just let it in, hang out with it, and then move on. until the next time.