Thursday, October 12, 2006
And I'm back! Like Rubbermaid.
Ok, so the end of the last post was a little down- I've been feeling down- but not all the time, so I thought I'd elaborate on the hard stuff and end on a positive note. True, all this is exhausting and now I can't wait until the magic click of the clock when it hits 7:30 PM, when Sweets goes to bed and I get to read blogs and watch movies and eat unhealthy amounts of Ben&Jerry's. True, I feel as though not only do I not have space left in my schedule for myself or for Rae, but I don't even have space in my brain- I think about Sweets all the time. True, it's hard to try really, really hard and invest your heart in a child who will probably one day leave your home and go back to her birthparents. Especially hard when you're both crazies who decided to do this fostering thing right after getting married, with no time to tell all those loved ones who were there that you're fostering, and many of them now call you because they have heard on the grapevine that there is a little girl in your home and they are excited that "you're adopting!" True, when we started this process, it was partly because I felt I could do a good job at it because of the compassion I felt for many of my outreach clients who are working to get their children back from CPS, and that now I'm struggling to keep that compassion as I mull over Sweets' story and how she came into foster care. True, true, true. But, there is a little girl in my home who calls me mommy, and hugs me when I come and go, and blows me kisses. And today we had such fun together when we opened a package from the mail and used all the paper wrapping making hats and crowns and fans and flowers and all kinds of mystical things. And I think her giggle is the most magical sound- it makes me think of little tinkling bells and bubbles rising up, and I can't quit tickling her just to hear it. And this evening at dinner she asked if mama (Rae) was all done, said "I done, too", and then turned to me and asked "mommy done three?" So, there's that part. That part's good.