The evolving conversation

We go through an approximation of the following conversation on at least a daily basis, but the punchline was new today:

Prancer: You Kate.
Me: Uh huh.
Prancer: I a boy.
Me: Yep.
Prancer: You a mommy.
Me: Yes, I am.
Prancer: I a foster kid.
Me: Yes, you are.
Prancer: Yaaaay!

Well put, kiddo.

Prancer: Can I have strawberry wafers?
Me: No. We don't have any.
Prancer: Why?
Me: Why didn't we get any at the store today?
Prancer: Because I didn't listen. `Cause I drive you nuts!


Oh, and he wants Barbie dolls for Christmas.

Ok, ok. I know.

That was whiney and negative about my boy. And I do have some ideas.
First, things I like about Prancer:
He's warm and affectionnate, loves almost everybody, and is often a little ball of joy.
He cracks jokes and is a total goofball.
He loves us a lot and we love him, too.

Ok, second, since biting is a major problem, I'm going to send him to school with a teething toy (after I get permission from the school- toys are not usually allowed in from home). The question is, should I fashion it such that he can wear it on his person? I could put it on a lanyard and attach that as a necklace or as a sort of wallet-chain. Then he would have easy access when he feels like biting. Or would that be too conspicuous and should I keep it (and a little hitting-pillow) in a box in his cubby for teachers to direct him to?

Not so sure about the hitting pillow. It can't be too big, but if it's too small, he'll hurt his hand. Poor kid- he needs a Damn-It Doll! Speaking of which, so do I. . .

I shouldn't have said that.

I should just know better than to say anything optimistic. Our lovely weekend was followed by two school incident reports in three days. Prancer's always had an aggressive streak in the time we've known him (almost a year now), but I don't understand how he could become suddenly, markedly worse one day and stay that way. It's going on 4 months. Nothing seems to make a difference. I can't make him stop hitting and biting. It's embarassing and undermines my own confidence and I don't know what else to do about it that we haven't done already, and that makes me feel incompetent. I hate being the parent of the bully.

Make that two nice days.

As in a whole weekend. After a summer during which I dreaded the weekend for all the struggles it would bring, this is sooo fabulous. Ah....

Prancer: You put bubbles in my bath.
Me: Yes, I did.
Prancer: Dat make me happy.

Tres cool.

Prancer has been running around the house this morning, calling "cool dude!"
... with his underwear on his head.
I love dorks.

Balance Beam

It's hard to maintain balance with the kids I have and my job and everything else, with stuff like this weighing me down on the other side. Beyond the devastating situation (because I'm sick of writing about it), I'm so disappointed that I had just recently dealt with my grief enough to get my self back, and now I'm having to grieve a new loss of the same person and struggling not to fall back into those patterns- irritability, anger, distancing from the people who are still in my life. But I'm so grateful that I did that emotional work recently because it helps to deal better now. And I have to deal better now- life is still happening. Prancer is having surgery in two days, Ringo is still adjusting to what is for him a grief-ridden experience, my wife is still wonderful and just as stressed-out as me and needs attention. This is why those negative patterns (for me, anger, irritability, distancing) are so handy- they don't heal but they make me functional. If there is a way to not engage in those patterns and still function, I may find the key to staying a foster parent. If not... I'll have to think about how much longer we can do this.

Rules schmooles

Child A is standing across the room refusing a diaper change.
Child B shoves Child A in your direction, resulting in her running over to you.

Normally shoving results in time-out at your house, but then again, you did achieve that diaper change. Do you send Child B to time-out? After all, rules were made to be broken, right?

Dilemmas in double parenting. I have huge respect for parents of multiples.

Well, I'm glad you're catching up, but...

The development and physical therapists were here again yesterday and were happy to report that Prancer is no longer in need of their services, as he has come up to age level or above on most of their categories. Speech, of course, is a whole other matter and that therapist is coming next week, but I will say he's made some progress. He's also doing ok bonding here, as he goes to us for protection from strangers and doesn't show a whole lot for attachment problems. All well and good. The honeymoon's over, though, and I think because he's been catching up in other developmental areas, he's progressing through behavioral stages, too. He's been on some pretty impressive terrible two's (typically right before 2 years- he's 2 and a half) for a little over a week now. Thus the incredible screeching and cribside pole vault at naptime just now (we'll be buying that crib tent today). So, while I'm very happy he's making strides here, I really hope we can zip right through this particular form of catching up!

A day in the life.

Puzzling him out.

That's what I'm trying to do. Puzzle out his speech, in more ways than one. First, I'm just trying to puzzle out what he means. We spend a lot of time on this because it's not that he doesn't talk- he talks all the time (and I mean all the time;) but most of it is nonsensical to us. We're pretty decent at figuring out toddler speak, too, so I don't think he's actually trying to speak English most of the time. Doesn't stop him from trying to get his point across, though. I feel bad when I can't figure it out- good thing he's such a relatively easygoing guy. The second part is trying to puzzle out exactly what his delay is. He doesn't seem to me to have cognitive delays. I'm sure it's not his hearing because he and I have a little game now where I hum a short tune and he hums it back- I've done this a lot and tried doing it very quietly and he gets it every time- pretty musical, I guess! Ask him to repeat a word though, and it's usually not even an approximation. For example, the last word I tried out on him was "funny". He offered "sha-pus". Not "unny", not "fun", not even "ny". "Sha pus". Which is not to say he doesn't pick up any words or parts of words, but it's pretty slow going. I know the gap between his thoughts and my understanding is frustrating for him sometimes (for example, naptime), so I hope maybe some speech therapy will help.

Oy vey

Yesterday, Prance didn't get a proper nap due to our busy schedule- he snoozed in the car for about an hour, but apparently it didn't do any good because he was so cranky by dinnertime that he cried through dinner, bath, and bedtime. He is definitely a nap kid. Now, Sweets totally wasn't- she was absolutely fine with no nap, so I have no experience whatsoever with putting one down in the daytime. So I'm trying to get this little guy to go to sleep right now (thus trying to ignore the crying by blogging- I know, I know, but I'm really not heartless and I don't favor crying it out, but we're at the point this afternoon that nothing's working, so here we are.) This would be a much easier thing if he were my kid who I know backwards and forwards, but we have no idea what he's used to and hardly know his personality at all, so that leaves us with a generic approach to everything. This is how it was with Sweets, too, but we got to know each other over time, and she evolved into our kid and things were pretty darn smooth by the time she left. So we're having an unpleasant shove back into the past with all this. I don't claim to be any better at it the second time around. It's just hard. Complicated with a serious speech delay, the communication is lacking so far! Yeesh.

And now for something (or someone) completely different.

We were unsure about taking Prancer out to lunch today, but we had to go clothes shopping for him and everybody was hungry by the time we were out of the store, so we went. Now normally, eating out would be a stressful thing with Sweets because she has issues with eating (as you longtime readers of my former food rants well know), so we either wouldn't do it, or Sweets would have to graze off of our plates rather than waste money on a whole other meal that wasn't going to get eaten. This boy? Not so much. Not only did he get a whole meal to himself, but he ate the entire thing- grilled cheese sandwich, apple, yogurt thingy, milk, and grabbed my baguette off my plate and ate a quarter of that- oh yes, he likes eating. He likes eating so much that he does it double-fisted. No worries there, I guess!

So much for the takeover.

Very cute little fellow he is! Hmm, we played a bit, ate not much, considered using the potty seat but realized we don't have one with the little shield on it and my goodness doesn't that stream point awfully high, had a bath and cried some about not playing with toys at bedtime, cried some more about bedtime itself, read stories for about 15 minutes and cried a bit more, lullabyed after lights-out for about 25 more minutes and finally went to sleep. And that was only 7:40! Pretty darn good for a first night I'd say. It's so hard to fathom how confusing and sad this all is for a toddler, and so impossible to explain, too, so you have to connect on a very universal, viceral level. Connect right away by chasing each other and tossing things and "talking". Try to be funny. Show love even though it feels a little strange because you don't know him. Turn the lights out and bring him back to bed even though you know he's going to cry, but sit there and lullaby because your intuition said to. We never lullabyed with Sweets- our thing was reading, but something said "sing" so I did and it worked. Sing when he's not crying, stop singing when he starts again, start singing again as soon as he takes a breath in between cries- he stops crying and listens, starts to relax. Keep it up even though your head is wondering if it's really helping or hindering, but you hate crying it out and know it's not a good idea for a little guy spending his first night in foster care, and keep going and then he's blessedly asleep. I think it's important to go back to the basics, go back in time if necessary, when they're just starting out. When we had Peeves, we didn't even bother trying to establish a bedtime routine because she was so monumentally difficult and we knew there would be no point struggling over it for a two-day placement- we just drove her around until she went to sleep, but this little guy might be here a while, so in this case starting from day one is good, I think. Got to get some younger books, though. He's just slightly younger than Sweets was when she came- it absolutely floors me that she used to be essentially like him. It makes her seem so grown up. I can barely remember her "baby days". Anyway, here we are again! And I'm calling him Prancer- you should see the way he walks- prance, prance, prance!

Woohoo! Here we go!

I'm more than a little nervous right now. We're getting a two-year-old boy. I've never had a boy. The only recent experience I have with little boys is my watching my former client's 1 and 3 year old hellions during her court dates and doctors' appointments. And I hated that. I really hope he's not like them. Not that all little boys are alike, but I have to say I felt better about the 8 year old girl. He's not here, yet. I don't know when I'll get to this again, knowing the brain-takeover from last time. Wish us luck! And him. Poor little guy.