Balance Beam

It's hard to maintain balance with the kids I have and my job and everything else, with stuff like this weighing me down on the other side. Beyond the devastating situation (because I'm sick of writing about it), I'm so disappointed that I had just recently dealt with my grief enough to get my self back, and now I'm having to grieve a new loss of the same person and struggling not to fall back into those patterns- irritability, anger, distancing from the people who are still in my life. But I'm so grateful that I did that emotional work recently because it helps to deal better now. And I have to deal better now- life is still happening. Prancer is having surgery in two days, Ringo is still adjusting to what is for him a grief-ridden experience, my wife is still wonderful and just as stressed-out as me and needs attention. This is why those negative patterns (for me, anger, irritability, distancing) are so handy- they don't heal but they make me functional. If there is a way to not engage in those patterns and still function, I may find the key to staying a foster parent. If not... I'll have to think about how much longer we can do this.

Can't say no.

We just can't. I don't think we've ever actually said no to a placement. Well, we did say no to a 19-year-old boy, but seeing as our range at the time was 0-3, I don't think it counts. Here's hoping that's not our downfall this time around. We have a new foster son who I will call Ringo (as he very much marches to the beat of his own drum). I don't mind this trait, but he appears to have zero practice with the concept of listening, so we'll see how good we get at that. He's 4, but a young 4 with a speech delay, so I hope there is enough of a developmental difference between him and Prancer to go smoothly. Time will tell...