Things people can get away with because of their DNA.

In some ways I understand and appreciate DSS' emphasis on "kinship placements", where a child's relative of some kind takes him in. I can also understand and appreciate DSS' sometimes ridiculous level of patience with dysfunctional birthparents. The trouble I have with this value placed on genetic relationships is that there is no different-but-special value placed on foster and foster-adoptive relationships and one of the unfortunate symptoms of this discrepancy is double-standards that let people with genetic relationships with a child to get away with anything. My current beef on that note is that Ringo's uncle is/was supposedly coming forward to take the kids. First, he took the two younger sibs, but got overwhelmed after just a few days and they went back to regular foster care (known as "unrestricted"). So, then DSS thinks it's a good idea to try to place Ringo with the uncle. Now, I know that an infant-and-toddler combo is difficult to deal with, but just because Ringo is 4 doesn't mean he's going to be easier. In fact, given the behavioral and developmental issues we've been dealing with, I'd say he's just as challenging, if not more so, than dealing with the two younger ones together. But, I'm not the decision-maker, of course, so they tell me he's going with the uncle.
Fine. That is, after uncle spent two weeks making up his mind whether he wanted Ringo at all. And then, uncle is a teacher's aide and doesn't want to take Ringo until the end of the school year (read: when it's more convenient for him). So, the kid is hanging at our house until then. This irks me because I don't think it's fair to make Ringo wait until it's convenient for uncle, but fine. We'll do some visits and transition him towards the end of June.
Fine. But, then uncle says to Joi that he has a vacation planned for 10 days in July and won't we take Ringo back then? Joi waffled a little, but I vetoed that. If you're going to make a committment to the kid then make a committment! It is not fair, after everything he has lost, to bounce him around like a football! If you want to parent, then either buy another ticket or cancel your trip. That's what parenting means!
Fortunately Ringo has a worker who impressed me by saying exactly what I said when uncle called her to request foster care during his vacation- and he has to make up his mind whether he's committing to Ringo or not by tomorrow. This is all great, but a thought keeps nagging me, which is that you know this would never be ok if a foster parent did it. No way. Not in a million years. But because this guy has some DNA in common with the kid, he gets to waste 5 weeks of Ringo's young life waiting around to see if he's wanted or not. When, all this time, the worker could have been looking for a better long-term placement for him. When we took him, we said we would take him for two weeks until uncle decided whether to take him. We didn't know he was going to hold out until the end of the school year and then maybe not do it after all. So, we still have him, and the situation is survivable, but I know we are not the best placement for him. He needs a lot more.
The kid is a Houdini, a genius at unlocking doors, cabinets, baby gates and anything else meant to keep him out. He has now started to continue his aggressive streak that he used to direct against his little sibs, only now against Prancer. His oppositional problem leads him to purposely do things that land him in trouble, seemingly all the time. Yesterday it was taking Sweetie's picture off the wall and throwing it down the stairs (I'm still way sensitive about her, so boy was he in touble then). Today it was ripping the pages out of a new book. Tomorrow it'll be something else. Every day, there's something big, and the rest of the time is filled with smaller transgressions. And then there's the potty training problem. Still not trained. At all. He has good qualities, but we can't really help him overcome his problems when all we have is an hour and a half in the morning (completely taken up with AM routine) and a couple hours in the evening (almost completely taken up with PM routine). It's all rush, rush, rush, struggle, struggle, struggle. Plus, it's really not helpful to him that he has to go from 1/2 day school to 1/2 day daycare, to here- that's 3 sets of rules for a kid who can't even manage 1! There is a better place for him out there somewhere. Too bad the DNA-double-standard backfired once again. It won't be the last time, that's for sure.

Ted Kennedy is my hero.

I am so sad and upset for my Senator. Ted Kennedy has brain cancer. He has been such a tireless champion for Massachusetts and the nation in general that I can't imagine anyone filling his shoes. I grew up respecting his name and came to understand his work as a young woman. Despite my cynicism about American politics and his own individual shortcomings, I have been happy and proud to vote for him every time I had the chance- for an old fellow, he sure drew this young voter to the voting booth. Thoughts and prayers for Senator Kennedy, please. It's the least we could give back.

A Post of Gross

If you don't want to read about pee or poop, just move right along, nothing to see here.
I dislike potty training, even for a typical child. It's gross and frustrating and tedious. But at least with a toddler, I think I know what I'm doing. Ringo is not a typical child. He is 4.5 with some delays and most likely some sensory-motor issues and has totally regressed in his potty training (which I get the sense was not that good to start with). Now, I'm well aware of potty regression after stressful events (like coming into foster care), but he's going to get thrown out of his preschool if he keeps this up and we'd really like him to stay there, plus you know- he's 4.5 and I don't think it's ok for him to be going in his pants.
History:
The duty worker (the one seeking placement) told us he was trained.
After we got him and inquired with the caseworker about why he arrived in p*ll-ups, she told us he was not trained.
Ringo reinforced the "not trained" info by generally pitching a fit when asked to use the potty/toilet and refusing to go and going in his p*ll-ups all the time.
So, we used the p*ll-ups for a couple of weeks, but then the school called to ask us why he was in p*ll-ups and told us that he always came in underwear before, although he used to have 1-2 accidents per week.
He's supposed to be wearing underwear, so we went out and bought a whole bunch and extra pants and went cold-turkey today.
I don't know how most of the day went b/c he was on a visit with his grandma, but in the three hours between getting home and going to bed (early due to the screaming, kicking tantrums), he managed to have 5 "accidents" including one of hiding in the closet to poop.
What to do? Give up and go back to p*ll-ups (let's face it, they're expensive diapers). I don't think he'll be able to stay at his school in those, and I don't think he would train in those and then we might be looking at a 5, 6, 7 year-old still in diapers. That's not ok with me. I don't know...

Happy Pride and Why I Hate Rollercoasters

We're off to the Pride parade today. Last year was fun with Sweets, so I hope the boys will enjoy it as much. It's raining, so we'll be waterproofed!
And, oh for cripes sake! Turns out the reason we got cut off from Sweets was due to the advice of the "experts" (including a professional we had worked with since Sweets came to our home and who we trusted), who seem to think it's better to have us disappear so that Sweetie will "know that this (meaning their apartment) is her home now" blah, blah, blah. Oh, really? Seems to me like we've been doing extensive visits for over seven months now (which the "experts" knew from the get-go), and if they had listened to Sweetie's parents and talked to us (since we're the only people who actually know what goes on during a visit), they might realize that despite our concerns about her drastic drop in body mass, her attachments at home appear to be just fine. We go by our names, they go by mom and dad, and to fly in the face of the prevailing wisdom about children (and we all know it's been way wrong before), she does the best emotionally when she sees us regularly and stays overnight. This results in a happier child, easier attaching at home, and more desire to go home at the end- to them, not to mention I think our giving the parents a break every month is the strongest contributor to the stability of this family. Don't misunderstand me- I want back Sweets very badly, but I'm a mom so what I want most of all is what is best for her, and since I'm not God/dess I don't claim to know what that is and I don't want to see her hurt by another disruption if they don't make it. So, there. I don't think we're hurting, I think we're helping. Fortunately the parents think so, too, and for the moment they are not going to follow the "expert" advice. So, we're not cut off. Yet. I was crying so much the other day, like I have so many times since last August. A little part of me would be relieved to have this be over, because I know I'll just be crying about it again soon- this is the trouble with having no legal role. I hate rollercoasters.

Flash me that smile, baby!

Prancer got through his oral surgery really well and has been melting me with cute smiles all day. He had had "bottle teeth" as a result of his mother sending him to bed with a milk bottle every night (rather than getting up and feeding him, and didn't stop the practice after he cut his teeth, and probably wasn't brushing them much either), which caused his front teeth to develop poorly and putting them at risk for abcessing. But, now he looks great! And I'm so amazed at the ability of young children to horse around even when they're in pain. He's on pain killer, yeah, but still- you could tell by the size of his lip that it must hurt. But, he was his usual cutie self all day. Well, you know, until he dumped his jello over his dinner plate and then doused it with milk. Yummmm...

Balance Beam

It's hard to maintain balance with the kids I have and my job and everything else, with stuff like this weighing me down on the other side. Beyond the devastating situation (because I'm sick of writing about it), I'm so disappointed that I had just recently dealt with my grief enough to get my self back, and now I'm having to grieve a new loss of the same person and struggling not to fall back into those patterns- irritability, anger, distancing from the people who are still in my life. But I'm so grateful that I did that emotional work recently because it helps to deal better now. And I have to deal better now- life is still happening. Prancer is having surgery in two days, Ringo is still adjusting to what is for him a grief-ridden experience, my wife is still wonderful and just as stressed-out as me and needs attention. This is why those negative patterns (for me, anger, irritability, distancing) are so handy- they don't heal but they make me functional. If there is a way to not engage in those patterns and still function, I may find the key to staying a foster parent. If not... I'll have to think about how much longer we can do this.

We've just been cut off from seeing Sweets anymore. What happens when the hole in my heart is bigger than me?