We're back! Joi and I decided enough was enough with our little vacation this spring, and started doing hotline placements and respite care again a few weeks ago. Memorial Day weekend was our first go-round again, with Batman and his little-brother-sidekick Robin. It was a pretty long weekend, but both boys were charming and enjoyable. Batman especially is one very emotionally intelligent kid and my conversations with him were endlessly fascinating. They went right back home after that hotline placement, and apparently have been talking about us ever since and really want to come and visit. We may try to work something out with that.
Right now, we have our first baby on hotline, who is going by the name of Buddha Boy because he is such a chubalub! He's 9 months old and 24 pounds- that's 2 pounds more than Sweetie was when she came in at 2 1/2- with the chins and rolls to prove it. A bit fussy but very cute when he's happy. We might keep him on as a permanent placement if we get the opportunity after his 72-hour hearing this coming week. Meanwhile we're getting used to being up at 2 AM again. We haven't had to do that since Sweetie was a newbie- almost 3 years ago- so we're being extra nice to ourselves during the adjustment. I can't believe she's about to be 5 years old! We just sent off her birthday presents the other day...
Last, and most important, we have a new nephew! J. was born in May and is now home after his successful adoption, making my sister and brother-in-law the happiest parents in the world! And he is cute as all get out- thank Goddess for Skype and Facebook photos! We can't wait to meet him in person.
Hopefully this little corner of the web will be hopping a little more busily now that the kids have taken over again. Peace!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
Busy bees
Yesterday, we managed to:
-dig out the last of 9 stumps from monster-size bushes in our front yard
-remove gravel from under our 2 trees
-replace gravel with mulch
-seed new grass where monster bushes used to be
-and take Prancer swimming in the local river
I love feeling productive! And I love playing with Prancer at the beach. Even if the water is still darn cold. Prancer kept wading in, running out, and grabbing his ankles shouting "COLD!!!" And then doing it again. And again. And asking us to carry him "to da island" (sandbar which is temporarily exposed in the middle of the river). The second time I told him to wait for me to put my shoes on because the pebbles hurt my feet, and he was very perplexed. He looked to Joi, who told him that some shoes can go in the water, like my sandals and his clogs. There was a pause and then glee! Oh, to be able to be reduced to hysterical laughter by the thought of wearing shoes to go swimming. :)
-dig out the last of 9 stumps from monster-size bushes in our front yard
-remove gravel from under our 2 trees
-replace gravel with mulch
-seed new grass where monster bushes used to be
-and take Prancer swimming in the local river
I love feeling productive! And I love playing with Prancer at the beach. Even if the water is still darn cold. Prancer kept wading in, running out, and grabbing his ankles shouting "COLD!!!" And then doing it again. And again. And asking us to carry him "to da island" (sandbar which is temporarily exposed in the middle of the river). The second time I told him to wait for me to put my shoes on because the pebbles hurt my feet, and he was very perplexed. He looked to Joi, who told him that some shoes can go in the water, like my sandals and his clogs. There was a pause and then glee! Oh, to be able to be reduced to hysterical laughter by the thought of wearing shoes to go swimming. :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Still in the blessed-silence period.
Things have been pretty quiet on here because we have no kidlets for now. I just thought I'd check in so that I'm still here. Things with Prancer are going very well. We enjoyed having him back for a few days, and he thoroughly enjoyed himself, too. We're still visiting, but less frequently than before- the transition was just about perfect. Joi is taking him to the circus next weekend. I was out shopping for Sweetie's birthday today- thinking about sending her some kid-size garden gear, since the last photo I saw of her pictured her standing on a shovel in their new garden. I can't believe she's going to be 5! I'll send her some books, too, of course- picking out a book for her every month or two has been one of my favorite things. Not that I need an excuse to spend time (and money) in the bookstore. ;)
We're super excited that my sister and brother-in-law are going to be adopting a baby boy when he is born in a few weeks. The baby shower was last weekend and it looks like our nephew will be arriving in just a few weeks! Plus, two of our close friends down the street are due to have their daughter less than two weeks from now. I can't wait to meet both these babies! Man, are those ovaries are churning...
As far as foster care goes, we're on hold right now, at least until our nephew arrives and we get to dote on him (from afar) for a while. Also, the state has frozen day care vouchers for foster kids since January, and we definitely could not afford to pay for daycare (there's a reason we aren't having one of the bazillion babies arriving these days!) Apparently, they still do some vouchers when they have a good placement and don't have another home (and there are never enough homes, so when they have a good match, they try to do a voucher anyway). So theoretically we could jump back in, but there could be some sticking points with the daycare thing. But, that probably won't be until at least the summer, if not later. Then again, we might just go about trying for one we can keep!
We are trying to improve the wiggle room in our budget for this reason. We had a market analysis for our house this week (to see if it will be possible to refinance), so I'm hoping that process will lead to some extra money around here. Plus, Joi just passsed her licensing exam a few weeks ago, bringing her to the top qualification in her field, and she is actively hunting for greener job pastures. With some luck, we just might be able to visit babyland ourselves one of these days!
Ta ta!
We're super excited that my sister and brother-in-law are going to be adopting a baby boy when he is born in a few weeks. The baby shower was last weekend and it looks like our nephew will be arriving in just a few weeks! Plus, two of our close friends down the street are due to have their daughter less than two weeks from now. I can't wait to meet both these babies! Man, are those ovaries are churning...
As far as foster care goes, we're on hold right now, at least until our nephew arrives and we get to dote on him (from afar) for a while. Also, the state has frozen day care vouchers for foster kids since January, and we definitely could not afford to pay for daycare (there's a reason we aren't having one of the bazillion babies arriving these days!) Apparently, they still do some vouchers when they have a good placement and don't have another home (and there are never enough homes, so when they have a good match, they try to do a voucher anyway). So theoretically we could jump back in, but there could be some sticking points with the daycare thing. But, that probably won't be until at least the summer, if not later. Then again, we might just go about trying for one we can keep!
We are trying to improve the wiggle room in our budget for this reason. We had a market analysis for our house this week (to see if it will be possible to refinance), so I'm hoping that process will lead to some extra money around here. Plus, Joi just passsed her licensing exam a few weeks ago, bringing her to the top qualification in her field, and she is actively hunting for greener job pastures. With some luck, we just might be able to visit babyland ourselves one of these days!
Ta ta!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Permanency comes in many colors.
And it turns out R&R does help a foster parent get her emotional druthers back, which is good because Prancer suddenly came back to us last week. His poor mother got terribly sick and was hospitalized, and we got the call. I don't know if it was because there simply was nobody in mom's life who could do it or because we have the biggest, most important connection with him of anyone in his life besides his birthparents. I hope it was the latter. She seems very supportive of us maintaining a presence in his life, which is nice. The transition was a little funny, because I had been at a conference all day and didn't get any of the voicemails or text messages Joi sent me. I arrived home and was leisurely checking my email when I began hearing this child's voice. I thought to myself, "Is that downstairs or outside?" Surely it must be outside, because there are not supposed to be children in my house right now. I actually convinced myself that it was from outside until the voice started getting closer, accompanied by footsteps on the stairs. I realized who it was and then was quite confused- we don't have a visit scheduled for today, do we? I went down to the landing, to be greeted by Prancer flinging himself into my arms and jabbering away as Joi and I had a telecommunication frenzy.
So, we had the little guy for 4 days and that went so far toward setting things right. We had all missed each other so it felt great to spend the week together. Prancer was hugging and kissing all over the place and telling us how he loves us constantly. He and I had some great conversations and it was a pang to see how much he grew up in just 6 weeks. Plus, he basically showed us "the little angel I know's in there somewhere" about 90% of the time, until about a couple of hours before it was time to go. What a relief in so many ways!
Which brings me to the subject of permanency. We are again creating this kind of reverse-permanency (I don't know if that's the right word, but I'm in uncharted territory here). Prancer has moved on to a new life with his mother after 15 months of the most formative part of his life spent in our family. Hopefully, that move is one kind of permanency for him, the kind we typically mean when we use the word- a reunification or adoption that is permanent. What Sweetie and Prancer have in addition to (we hope) permanent reunifications, is permanent relationships with all their parents. We and the kids have the good fortune of being in this situation with birthparents who respect the importance of their foster-relationships and want us to continue to be present in their lives (one in a more limited way, the other in a very involved way). As such, these two kids will always have the love and connections they cherish with us as parents and positive adult figures, and they will also always have at least one safety net should they ever need it (like Prancer needed us just last week when his mother had a crisis). This kind of permanency is essential to the well-being of the young kids we've created this type of bond with, and I'm very interested in and happy about pursuing it, though I'm sorry to say that it has occasionally been against the opposition of DCF or people associated with them (never have I felt so angry and betrayed as when a CASA worker tried to cut us off from Sweetie). Even in cases where our continued existence in our child's life is approved of and encouraged (such as by Prancer's social worker), there is no codified way of doing it. The Department does not set up a mutual agreement (like they do in reverse for open adoptions) and foster parents in this state are not considered or eligible to be de facto parents. Note that the open adoption agreements are only done between birthparents and adoptive parents, not between long-term foster parents and adoptive parents. I think this has to do with certain double-standards I have written about before. There is a lot of lip service given to "permanent connections" in our local office, but no actual policies or enforcement that I or any of the foster parents I know have seen. So, here we are blazing new trails that probably aren't new at all, though they certainly feel like it because there is no material or policy or support for them. We and Prancer are just lucky that he has a birthparent who thinks we "have just as much a right to him" as she does. BTW, she also says to send anybody who doesn't think we're the best over to her and she'll set them straight.
What a rollercoaster ride!
So, we had the little guy for 4 days and that went so far toward setting things right. We had all missed each other so it felt great to spend the week together. Prancer was hugging and kissing all over the place and telling us how he loves us constantly. He and I had some great conversations and it was a pang to see how much he grew up in just 6 weeks. Plus, he basically showed us "the little angel I know's in there somewhere" about 90% of the time, until about a couple of hours before it was time to go. What a relief in so many ways!
Which brings me to the subject of permanency. We are again creating this kind of reverse-permanency (I don't know if that's the right word, but I'm in uncharted territory here). Prancer has moved on to a new life with his mother after 15 months of the most formative part of his life spent in our family. Hopefully, that move is one kind of permanency for him, the kind we typically mean when we use the word- a reunification or adoption that is permanent. What Sweetie and Prancer have in addition to (we hope) permanent reunifications, is permanent relationships with all their parents. We and the kids have the good fortune of being in this situation with birthparents who respect the importance of their foster-relationships and want us to continue to be present in their lives (one in a more limited way, the other in a very involved way). As such, these two kids will always have the love and connections they cherish with us as parents and positive adult figures, and they will also always have at least one safety net should they ever need it (like Prancer needed us just last week when his mother had a crisis). This kind of permanency is essential to the well-being of the young kids we've created this type of bond with, and I'm very interested in and happy about pursuing it, though I'm sorry to say that it has occasionally been against the opposition of DCF or people associated with them (never have I felt so angry and betrayed as when a CASA worker tried to cut us off from Sweetie). Even in cases where our continued existence in our child's life is approved of and encouraged (such as by Prancer's social worker), there is no codified way of doing it. The Department does not set up a mutual agreement (like they do in reverse for open adoptions) and foster parents in this state are not considered or eligible to be de facto parents. Note that the open adoption agreements are only done between birthparents and adoptive parents, not between long-term foster parents and adoptive parents. I think this has to do with certain double-standards I have written about before. There is a lot of lip service given to "permanent connections" in our local office, but no actual policies or enforcement that I or any of the foster parents I know have seen. So, here we are blazing new trails that probably aren't new at all, though they certainly feel like it because there is no material or policy or support for them. We and Prancer are just lucky that he has a birthparent who thinks we "have just as much a right to him" as she does. BTW, she also says to send anybody who doesn't think we're the best over to her and she'll set them straight.
What a rollercoaster ride!
Monday, March 02, 2009
Hello, My Name Is SELF. Nice to meet you!
Prancer has been gone for about a month. I am slowly beginning to recognize vestiges of myself from 15 months ago. It's hard though, after a long time, to really remember an old perspective or frame-of-mind. So much has gone on since then. Not to mention, I've been a little afraid to rewind the tape that far, since that was only 2 months after Sweets left and I was grieving so much. Just Prancer's departure alone is opening up a lot, though, even without trying too hard to get back to myself. Last week found me crying in her room and I haven't done that in quite a while. I think I need to do it some more. Having cut off the process so abruptly with Prancer's entrance, it seems that part of me has been frozen in time. Plus, I have a new source of validation because I decided now would be a good time to get back into counseling for a few months, and she's great. It's good to be able to describe to a stranger the awful conundrum of foster parenting- having a parent's love for a child who not only leaves, but who most people do not recognize as your child, and the resulting social and mental isolation when there is no recognized child for whom you are grieving. Usually, I don't discuss this with people I know because I don't feel all that comfortable talking emotions with them, and there is rarely an opportunity to discuss it with a stranger. Then she did the silly thing of calling me Sweetie's mother, which was a validation 2 1/2 years in the making, and I had a nice bawl and had to go home and cry some more. It appears that finally, this loss is going to get worked through. And I think that has to happen in order to get Ms. Self back in order. So far, so good.
About Prancer, I wish I could say I missed him, but the truth is, I don't. I must have cried myself out about him all in that one evening because I don't feel sad and I think of him only a few times a week. I feel guilty that we were not able to guide him toward better behavior or better emotional health, and that Sweetie's loss impaired my openness-of-heart to him. I recognize that that was largely because there was no guidance for me or us, which led us to another placement too soon, but still, I could have done better. I also realize that he wasn't exactly easy to love, but even kids with problems need somebody who's over the moon about them, if they can find someone. Or maybe I'm just too burned out and the good stuff will all come back after a little R&R. Who knows? We've visited with him once a week since last month. He's not doing very well, I don't think- crying a lot and hurting other children at school. He's been up at night missing us. He makes visits semi-miserable with his behaviors. What to do? What to do? I wish I missed him more, but he makes it hard, you know? I hope somebody knows what I'm talking about because I feel like the Grinch.
Things I am doing to recuperate:
- Going out when I feel like it (woohoo!)
- Making noise after 8 PM (still finding myself tiptoeing sometimes, though)
- The aforementioned therapy
- Doing yoga again, 1/2 hour at night
- Enjoying politics (Yay! I hadn't been able to do that for 8 years!)
- Playing Sims
- A palm-sized journal
- Housecleaning and contemplating some projects
- Seeing friends I haven't seen in ages
- Setting up my new little studio space I carved out on the 3rd floor
- Spiritual activities
- Sleeping
Anyone care to share their favorite self-care strategies?
About Prancer, I wish I could say I missed him, but the truth is, I don't. I must have cried myself out about him all in that one evening because I don't feel sad and I think of him only a few times a week. I feel guilty that we were not able to guide him toward better behavior or better emotional health, and that Sweetie's loss impaired my openness-of-heart to him. I recognize that that was largely because there was no guidance for me or us, which led us to another placement too soon, but still, I could have done better. I also realize that he wasn't exactly easy to love, but even kids with problems need somebody who's over the moon about them, if they can find someone. Or maybe I'm just too burned out and the good stuff will all come back after a little R&R. Who knows? We've visited with him once a week since last month. He's not doing very well, I don't think- crying a lot and hurting other children at school. He's been up at night missing us. He makes visits semi-miserable with his behaviors. What to do? What to do? I wish I missed him more, but he makes it hard, you know? I hope somebody knows what I'm talking about because I feel like the Grinch.
Things I am doing to recuperate:
- Going out when I feel like it (woohoo!)
- Making noise after 8 PM (still finding myself tiptoeing sometimes, though)
- The aforementioned therapy
- Doing yoga again, 1/2 hour at night
- Enjoying politics (Yay! I hadn't been able to do that for 8 years!)
- Playing Sims
- A palm-sized journal
- Housecleaning and contemplating some projects
- Seeing friends I haven't seen in ages
- Setting up my new little studio space I carved out on the 3rd floor
- Spiritual activities
- Sleeping
Anyone care to share their favorite self-care strategies?
Thursday, January 29, 2009
My apologies
if this screws up anyone's reader, but I'm going to be republishing a whole lot of posts in order to add tags. Pardon me!
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The littlest teacher
Prancer is being reunified in two days. He will have been our foster son for almost 15 months. Prancer arrived when he was just a little over 2 years old. He came straight from his neglectful home to our home and we are the only foster family he has ever had. The first night, he was a little shy when he came in but warmed up to play a game of chase with me. When I put him to bed, I think he realized he was not going home and he cried for a long time. I sang to him until he fell asleep.
Neglect had made him basically non-verbal and the development therapist had thought he would be autistic. In the space of 2 months in our home, Prancer's development advanced so fast that not only was he talking, but he was meeting or exceeding standards in every category and he was discharged from developmental intervention. Today you would never know his ability to speak was ever questioned. He is a chatterbox who almost never stops talking and comes out with something new to say almost every day. Now that he can converse, he is going to therapy for the problems set upon him by the story of his life. I'm really proud of him for how far he's come.
Lord knows, Prancer has tested me many times. I haven't always been up the task. He has every right to be angry about the circumstances of his life. I think my own frustration comes from not knowing how to help him sometimes. I wish so much that he will find the internal strength and insight to understand himself, so that he can go on to be the wonderful person I'm doing all this for.
Lately, I've been detached most of the time. The difficulties combined with the leaving seemed to make a wall between me and everyone else. Sweetie's history still haunts me, too, and I think that has a lot to do with it. But tonight, Prancer jolted me right out of that fog. I put him to bed every night and we have the same ritual every time. I give him a bath, with bubbles for a really good day. Then I dry him off, wrap him up on my lap and brush his teeth, and we talk about sugar and cavities. Before putting on his pajamas, he gets body lotion all over and we talk about excema and skin. At the end of that, we practice relaxing and breathing while I finish doing his arms out to his fingertips, and then end in a good hug. We do 4 alphabet flashcards and then read 3 stories. I put him to bed, turn off the light, and sit beside him. Every night he wants to sing the same 4 songs, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle, ABCs, and Skidamarink. Then he wants a goodnight kiss and hug.
Tonight during stories he asked me something about doing something together in the Spring, and I reminded him that he wouldn't be here in the Spring because he's going to live with his mom in two days. He didn't say any more, but at the very end when it came time to hug goodnight, he threw his arms around my neck in the biggest bear hug and said "I love you the best!" He'd never said that particular phrase before. And that was it. I went downstairs and started crying into one of his little shirts and basically haven't stopped. After all that's gone on the last 15 months, I've learned quite a lot from him, and here he was teaching me again. I can only hope I've taught him as much.
See you in a couple days. ;)
Neglect had made him basically non-verbal and the development therapist had thought he would be autistic. In the space of 2 months in our home, Prancer's development advanced so fast that not only was he talking, but he was meeting or exceeding standards in every category and he was discharged from developmental intervention. Today you would never know his ability to speak was ever questioned. He is a chatterbox who almost never stops talking and comes out with something new to say almost every day. Now that he can converse, he is going to therapy for the problems set upon him by the story of his life. I'm really proud of him for how far he's come.
Lord knows, Prancer has tested me many times. I haven't always been up the task. He has every right to be angry about the circumstances of his life. I think my own frustration comes from not knowing how to help him sometimes. I wish so much that he will find the internal strength and insight to understand himself, so that he can go on to be the wonderful person I'm doing all this for.
Lately, I've been detached most of the time. The difficulties combined with the leaving seemed to make a wall between me and everyone else. Sweetie's history still haunts me, too, and I think that has a lot to do with it. But tonight, Prancer jolted me right out of that fog. I put him to bed every night and we have the same ritual every time. I give him a bath, with bubbles for a really good day. Then I dry him off, wrap him up on my lap and brush his teeth, and we talk about sugar and cavities. Before putting on his pajamas, he gets body lotion all over and we talk about excema and skin. At the end of that, we practice relaxing and breathing while I finish doing his arms out to his fingertips, and then end in a good hug. We do 4 alphabet flashcards and then read 3 stories. I put him to bed, turn off the light, and sit beside him. Every night he wants to sing the same 4 songs, the Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle, ABCs, and Skidamarink. Then he wants a goodnight kiss and hug.
Tonight during stories he asked me something about doing something together in the Spring, and I reminded him that he wouldn't be here in the Spring because he's going to live with his mom in two days. He didn't say any more, but at the very end when it came time to hug goodnight, he threw his arms around my neck in the biggest bear hug and said "I love you the best!" He'd never said that particular phrase before. And that was it. I went downstairs and started crying into one of his little shirts and basically haven't stopped. After all that's gone on the last 15 months, I've learned quite a lot from him, and here he was teaching me again. I can only hope I've taught him as much.
See you in a couple days. ;)
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