Saturday, April 05, 2008

To heal or not to heal?

Such a difficult question when you're asking about healing from the loss of a child. Healing feels like a betrayal of her, and I'm still not convinced that it isn't. I want to put it off until I can be sure she will either be back home with us or that she is not endangered, but that game just keeps going on and on. That last visit and the apparent neglect and the aftermath of reporting on it threw me back six months emotionally and I really lost it again when it was all done. It became apparent to me that I really have to do something about this grief thing. Not that I didn't know that already, I was just choosing not to think about how it was making me change into this irritable, rigid, inaccessible meanie. I don't want to be that way, but it's what usually keeps me out of the pit of despair and therefore functional, if not likeable. But, it has to stop. I would like to be the nice person I once was and reopen to being an emotionally available mom and wife. So, I could have sworn somebody once left a comment on this blog suggesting that I read The Grief Recovery Handbook, but I can't seem to find it, so if you did leave such a comment, thanks. I'm reading it now and hoping I can bring myself to answer that question up there.

1 comment:

quilted family said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I am struggling with the grief of losing my baby after almost 3 years. We got her at 9 months. We were told that it was going to TPR and we were just waiting for a court date. But then, new worker, new plan.

Long-term foster care sucks for everyone. I wish I kenw how to make it better for you, haven't figured it out for myself. but there are folks who understand what you are going through, so don't hesitate to post.